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If someone says they do not like dating, or some aspect of dating, or if they are anxious about marriage, something (or many somethings) about the courting process have acted as punishers or negative reinforcers, thereby reducing the likelihood that the person will continue to seek mates using the same techniques he or she has in the past.**Further, unpleasant experiences can stunt the creation of or damage feelings of self-efficacy.
Singles may lose their confidence, believe there’s something wrong with them, and have more trouble recovering from setbacks.
Realize that they may want to go new places and try new things to meet people, but they’re uncomfortable doing it alone or can’t afford a regular babysitter.
So offer to take a class with them or watch their kids while they go on a date.
We live in a coupled world, and many people are so afraid of being alone that they don’t know to be alone. You never really know if you have chemistry until you meet.
Yet when a single who enjoys being independent (regardless of how much she also wants a partner) wants to find a partner who is more reinforcing than that autonomy says that she’s having trouble finding a good match, the statistics come out. Maybe rather than telling singles they just need to try harder, should try harder to help them.
There may well be 8 million people in New York City, but most of them won’t do, and that’s an awful big haystack to sort through. Don’t tell them to stop being picky or make more of an effort.
And Internet dating may actually be a hindrance for some people. Honestly, those things can create so much defiant anger in the single person that it becomes a barrier to looking.If you really think they’re hung up on something—low self-esteem, having trouble putting their best foot forward—offer to role-play with them or suggest that therapy might help.And when they’re ready to try putting themselves out there, you can support them just by being willing to listen to the ups and downs of being out there. Frederic Neumann’s recent post “Why Some People Can’t Find Anyone to Marry.” In it, Dr.Neuman mentions some of the very real challenges faced by people who want a partner, particularly people out of their 20s, who often find that many if not most of the people they’re meeting are already married.If their previous experiences with dating haven’t been reinforcing, remind them that it may not necessarily be the dating itself that’s so unpleasant—it may be that they’re uncomfortable with particular aspects of it. What about the people who are avoiding dating because they’ve had bad experiences with marriage?